12 February 2007

Emmaline the Secret Agent

Once upon a time there was a secret agent. This secret agent looked like every other PTA mom. Golden-brown, coiffed hair with flipped ends properly accentuated her gorgeously plucked brows. Emma was a pro at carrying on this Stay At Home Mom charade. She lived in the deep cover of suburbia while her neighbors hurled insulting names..like, "The Clampetts," unintentionally revealed through the big mouths of their curly-haired offspring. So classy.

This modern day wonder woman drove a minivan. She watched Oprah and ate too many bon bons. She blogged and raised her children surviving solely on a diet of mac an cheese, top ramen and double grande lattes.

(that's skinny....no foam)

No one dare believe that underneath that calico shift and Aunt Jemima Gone-SuperBowl-Prince 'Do rag, she held a dark secret. She was glowing, butt white with way too many freckles. But an even darker secret? She was a government agent. A computer forensics geek, code name...[pause for dramatic effect] Emmaline.


Emmaline was an agent everyone envied. Her cunning, her guise, her ability to hold her bladder for 5 hours straight after two pots of coffee..it left everyone in awe. Her fellow agents were always careful not blow her cover, but would support her sham of time-well spent by blogging in a similar fashion.

Blogs with the name Gobhole Girl and Auntie Jo and an occasional Dapoppins would come out of the blogosphere. There were many others that she would include in her blog roll, being careful never to reveal that "Ubermom" to her really meant someone was just speaking Germanglish, which is a little like Spanglish, but only German...and English. Besides, Engman sounds really dumb and people won't know what the heck I'm talking about unless they're referring to that big Germanesque snowy mountain ride at Disneyland I've always known as the "Splatterhorn". It's also science and centrifugal force. Who knew sick could fly so far in the dark?

Okay, what was I saying? Emmaline...

Who knew Emmaline worked for the government? Who knew she alone possessed the skill to drink a grande latte in 22.4 seconds with only 3rd degree burns? Who knew that she could google someone and know what brand toilet paper they used and how big their double wide actually was? Emmaline was the pinnacle perfect example for researchers everywhere, to the point where she could zero in on a dog flea living in the covert cowtown of Deary, Idaho. The same small town that gained fame in the early 1970s as the film location of Deliverance.

Emmaline had the best of both lives. She bloomed in her marriage with Mr. Coffee. (Mr. Coffee being her husband because frankly, her arms would get tired from carrying a coffee pot around and would end up spilling a lot). She was an expert at making chicken cordon bleu while drinking Hogue Late Harvest Riesling and rocking out with her nano to the Fratelli's song she heard on the newest iPod commercial. She also knew her only-slightly scalded esophagus and stellar research skills could not go unused. So in her double agent ways, her fondness grew for her blogger buds, including the ones with great hair and fashionable Cole Haan dress shoes.

She can never go back to the way things were nor would she want to. Her old job as an insurance agent was kid's play. The life of a government agent was entirely more fun. Just too much fun.

The End.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe