14 May 2007

Jail is so not hott

I was only driving down the road minding my own business. I wasn't hurting anyone. Gaahh, I shouldn't have even gone to that stupid dinner. Nicole told me it was a waste, cause we'd throw it up anyway and no one hott was going. I should have listened even though she is so bossy and stuff. "Buy these Par Par" and "that bag is so 90s. Eww." I was too busy raiding the bar instead of listening to her constant noise, "My dad plays the piano, better than anyone here. blah blah blah....."

So, like I'm driving, I see lights behind me and I was like, "no way!!" Maybe he just wanted my autograph, like they ALL do, cause everyone wants me. So the cops, like, pulled me over. I wasn't speeding too fast like, 90 or anything..I wasn't doing nothing that bad. Why can't they get like, bad people and bad politicians and stuff. So what if my lights were off? It's not like I was like, killing someone or buying eBay Versace.

He told me that when I was driving last month, I was drunk or something. I don't remember. I'm just really sorry and he said he didn't believe me. Whatev.

He said to tell it to the judge but I'm gonna tell my mom and dad. We are so gonna sue everyone. I was only going home after a party and it's like the cops are out to get me. Why don't they go back to their donuts and leave innocent people like me alone.

My mom is so upset now, she can't even purge her meals. She was so mad...I mean she couldn't even get out of bed. Like, she hasn't been this upset since our old colon cleansing doctor quit and we had to wait two weeks, all bloated, and stuff. I couldn't even look in the mirror at my deformed body. It was gross and stuff.

So I bought new clothes and went to court and told the judge Sauer guy that I was really, really sorry and he said he didn't believe my lawyers or nothing. I said I was sorry, isn't that enough? I even offered to work, in a soup kitchen as long as I don't have to be around people that smell bad, or have gross hair or stuff. I could wear an ankle thingie, too but he is just so freaking mean. I can do work programs and pay whatever, but this is inhumane. What more does he want from me? I totally don't remember signing my license suspension or whatever. What kind of freak reads those anyway?

They better let me wear my Seven and my Citizen of Humanity jeans in jail. I'm gonna die if I look like a cow for 45 days in orange overalls. 45 days! Hello! That's like, 12 weeks or something. I just can't wear orange. I don't wanna look like a freaking pumpkin. I wonder if they'll let me tan in jail?

Maybe if I call Arnold Schwatzen...., you know, that governor actor guy. He can do something, or if I can get my fans to write to the judge telling him I'm really good inside. Cause I am. I really am.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe